July 22, 2009
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Riding fences
“No it seems to me some fine things have been laid up on your table, but you only want the things that you cant get…”
My Mom emailed me the other day. “Hi Jon, sure do love you”
It was the first time I’ve heard from her in months.
It seems to me that she’d call, I mean, I’ve sent her my number dozens of times, emailed her, the works. It just pisses me off that I’m not important enough to my own mother to even say happy birthday to.
And that brings me to another related though, what if I’m trapped in this mentality? I don’t know what makes the human mind work, but I think maybe being rejected by one of the most important people in your life has something to do with my inability to really trust a girl long enough to see things through to a happy ending. I’m constantly filled with the feeling I’m going to be left alone and miserable for the rest of my life. That for all of my trying no one is really going to stay.
And that has been confirmed by many relationships. Who knows, maybe I’m sabotaging them right from the start, but the shit that goes on in my head tells me something different. It tells me that I’m good enough to land a date, hook up with a girl, even convince them that I’m the guy they’ve been looking for, but that is where it all ends.
I beg for honesty, only so I can know when it’s time to leave.
Back to the present, I’m dating a new girl now. I’m blinded to her flaws right now, or maybe they are eclipsed by everything else that is actually right about her. Either way, I am doing my absolute best not to screw this one up.
Because honestly, I’m a good guy. My shortfalls are limited to those that naturally occur in guys my age. I have advantages that many do not. I’ve worked hard to get where I am now, I’ve given up quite a few times and completely changed my direction, but hell, there is no reason anyone should not be happy to be with me. I deserve a girl who can make me happy. I deserve a girl who smiles and gets excited about being with me. I know I can make her happy too!
I mean, hopefully I can convince myself of that before I fuck up the good thing I have going on right now.
I’m telling you, this one has got me thinking in new directions.
“The bravest thing of all is hope”
(I was going to edit this post and try to put the thoughts into a more logical and read-able order, but honestly, I don’t care. welcome to Jon’s uncut and unedited blog!)
