I wrote a song today.
It sounds perfect in my head, but it’s come a long way.
The chords are choppy but I’m Still learning to play!
It’s about a girl, I’m begging her to stay.

Now this is a song about a song, so it’s not very long,
it’s not really right, but I guess it’s not all wrong!
If you heard it in my head, you’d sing along!
Schlong? Bong? Dong? Blah.

Ok, so I’m not much of a lyrisist, but I try! I’ll get better with time I’m sure.

I am learning how to play the guitar. It’s slow going, mostly I get frustrated when a new chord pops in my head that I need to play but don’t know how! I’ve resorted to inventing things and making odd noises come out of my guitar. MY FINGERS DONT BEND THE WAY I WANT THEM!!!

This masterpiece will never be finished until my hands become less Irish and huge.

I just realized I don’t get the same chance others got. Thats rough.

It doesn’t matter how good I am or how great we are, her walls have been built up like a fucking fortress because of these other guys and the really fucked up thing is …they will always have a deeper place in her heart.

Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just someone to pass the time with until someone better comes around.

I’m just thinking out loud.

I am sitting here listening to Atom and His Package, my girlfriend is taking a bath and probably wondering what in the world is wrong with me. (look up atom and his package and you will understand.)

We are going shopping. It will be fun.

She turned 21 yesterday and is still complaining about possibly being still drunk 10 hours later! lol.

I have nothing even close to profound to say right now. Not

I’m caught up with this idea, this perfect, beautiful, amazing dream.

Let me lay it out for you.

I want to be great. I want to do great things. I want the house, the car, the wife, the two kids.
I want to create, invent. I want to start things, grow business. I want to inspire and motivate.

Maybe if I get it on paper, out in the open, it will help me visualize these things coming into fruition.

Memoir Studios.
-Its an idea of mine to start one of the biggest and most amazing wedding film companies in the United States. This CAN happen, I have people with talent working with me to start it. I don’t have the capital, but that will come in time.

A band.
-I don’t really have the talent myself to do this sort of thing, but I can kind of sing, and I’m a born leader (or so I’ve been told enough to believe it) I want to make the music I’ve never heard before. Music that will move you, entertain you and inspire you. I just want to create.

A coffee shop.
-A sense of community, one of my ideas for a business that doesn’t involve making a profit. I’d like it to be big, yet cozy. I want live music, lots of different people enjoying each others company, drinking amazing coffee and sharing stories of life and plans for the future.

A little kiosk at the mall.
-Just for fun, starting a business that helps me make money and helps my employees make enough money to do things they never though they would be able to do. They would work on commission selling products they love.

I have a billion more ideas. I have a billion more goals and dreams. I have the desire to share all of this with someone, not anyone, but someone amazing.

I’m not going to censor myself for the sake of being kosher. I’m going to be forward and open.

I am getting to old to feel alone. to be alone. I’ve had too many girlfriends and experience to waste my time on things that wont work.

I don’t need need someone else like my mother in my life. I don’t need someone to tell me they love me then bail out on me. I don’t need another goddamn Jenna in my life, planning futures together, building our goals together, investing in something that will never come into fruition. no. I’m done with these females that fall in love with me and have no idea why. I’ll tell YOU why you fall in love with me. You want to fall in love with someone. You don’t care in the least who it is, you don’t care if you screw up his life and dreams to be with him, your goal of not being alone is more important than any guys goals or visions.

And let me get to another little pet peeve of mine. Don’t make me the guy you use to feel important or wanted until the right guy comes along. Either wait, or let me know so I can do the same thing. I like to have the company of a female, but not at the risk of falling in love and being destroyed when I found out I was just a temporary thing.

With that being said, I know I’m a good catch. That sounds a lot like I’m full of myself, but I’m not. I am NOT going to beat myself up over all of my previous breakups, thinking there is something wrong with me. I make a lot more money than most, I am, mostly, an upbeat and fun person to hang around.

I recently read a decently lengthy list of things a girl wanted in a guy, and it made me think, what do I want in a girl?

1. I want a girl who is excited to see me when I come home or come over. Like a little puppy who is nearly bouncing out of his skin excited about the possibility of me petting him. I want her to make me feel important.

2. I want a girl who isn’t afraid to dream.

3. I want t girl who finds ways to do things, rather than finds reasons they shouldn’t or can’t be done.

4. A girl who takes care of herself, but isn’t obsessed with the idea that she is fat, ugly, smelly, stupid etc…

5. A girl who like the same music as I do. Not someone who loves the EXACT same music down to band and song, but at least someone who can enjoy what I do!

6. A girl with a reasonably up beat personality. I don’t want someone who is captain of the chearleading team, celebrating every little thing in the world, but I don’t want a 24/7 wrist cutter girlfriend either.

7. I want her to admit to me when she’s down and let me try to cheer her up. I might not be able to, but don’t shut me out of the suck.

8. bedroom. (enough said)

9. Please, I’m tired of girls who have kids. I know it’s terrible, but I can’t take it anymore. I want my own kids someday, I don’t want to play daddy to a kid who has his own daddy out there. I know I sound like a jerk, but damn, does anyone NOT have kids??????????????????????????? When did it become the standard?

10. Please be understanding and don’t shut me down when I talk about politics. I love politics. I really do. Bear with me, possibly join in the conversation!!!

11. I say things that I don’t mean sometimes. let it go.

12. I will let it go when you say things that you don’t mean.

13. “Taking a break” is not a healthy way to fix a relationship.

14. I like to be spontaneous. Drive to Indiana on a whim with me. Go to the park in the middle of the night. i’ll wake you up in the middle of the night outside of your house wanting to go for a drive to nowhere. Be insane with me!!!!

15. Don’t cheat on me.

16. If you want to go out with your friends, but don’t want me to go… cool. I do the same thing sometimes. Just don’t make me feel like your doing it to hang out with another guy. not cool.

17. Just like every other guy in the world, I get jealous. It happens. It happens more when I don’t feel important. Give me reasons to think I’m important to you. I’ll do the same. You WILL get roses and notes. You might not get a poem or anything, but I’ll do my best to show I care. I want the same.

18. ***new*** You must be able to play an instrument.

19. I prefer it if your name starts with a “K” and ends in “rista”…

“No it seems to me some fine things have been laid up on your table, but you only want the things that you cant get…”

My Mom emailed me the other day. “Hi Jon, sure do love you”

It was the first time I’ve heard from her in months.

It seems to me that she’d call, I mean, I’ve sent her my number dozens of times, emailed her, the works. It just pisses me off that I’m not important enough to my own mother to even say happy birthday to.

And that brings me to another related though, what if I’m trapped in this mentality? I don’t know what makes the human mind work, but I think maybe being rejected by one of the most important people in your life has something to do with my inability to really trust a girl long enough to see things through to a happy ending. I’m constantly filled with the feeling I’m going to be left alone and miserable for the rest of my life. That for all of my trying no one is really going to stay.

And that has been confirmed by many relationships. Who knows, maybe I’m sabotaging them right from the start, but the shit that goes on in my head tells me something different. It tells me that I’m good enough to land a date, hook up with a girl, even convince them that I’m the guy they’ve been looking for, but that is where it all ends.

I beg for honesty, only so I can know when it’s time to leave.

Back to the present, I’m dating a new girl now. I’m blinded to her flaws right now, or maybe they are eclipsed by everything else that is actually right about her. Either way, I am doing my absolute best not to screw this one up.

Because honestly, I’m a good guy. My shortfalls are limited to those that naturally occur in guys my age. I have advantages that many do not. I’ve worked hard to get where I am now, I’ve given up quite a few times and completely changed my direction, but hell, there is no reason anyone should not be happy to be with me. I deserve a girl who can make me happy. I deserve a girl who smiles and gets excited about being with me. I know I can make her happy too!

I mean, hopefully I can convince myself of that before I fuck up the good thing I have going on right now.

I’m telling you, this one has got me thinking in new directions.

“The bravest thing of all is hope”

(I was going to edit this post and try to put the thoughts into a more logical and read-able order, but honestly, I don’t care. welcome to Jon’s uncut and unedited blog!)